I hate lemons.

Ahh, life. Boy, do I wish I hadn't slept in on the day they gave out the instruction books!

As the Relay For Life draws near, with half the money we made last year, fewer teams and fewer participants, I can't help but feel like a failure. As I approach (or surpass) my heaviest weight ever, with no real motivation to eat healthier or exercise more, I can't help but feel like a failure.

I mean, really - it's making it difficult to play softball, to run the bases, to pitch. It's making it so that NONE of my clothes fit - event my fat clothes. 2 years ago, I got down to my lightest since elementary school - and I was happy. And i let it all go. I can't help but feel like a failure.

And I can't open up to anyone, I can't figure out what I want, I can't make a decision with regards to my job, and I'm not happy. But I am scared to take steps to find happiness, because I have no idea how to recognize what it is and no idea what I'd do with it if I had it.

I can definitely tell that right now I am just treading water. I'm mediocre at everything. I'm having flashbacks of high school and college, where I consoled myself by saying that if only I worked as hard as I knew I could, rather than being lazy, I would be AWESOME. I would get straight A's, I would be a ROCKSTAR.

And then you sorta have to wonder - if you spend 20 years talking about how if only you lived up to your potential, how amazing things would be -- where does that leave you -- painfully self aware of failure? Failure is failure, right? I mean, in the end it doesn't matter how awesome you COULD have been -- potential doesn't last past day dreams and regret. Potential is nothing but a broken promise - can't buy a burger with that!