I left my heart in Rice A Roni...

American Cities That Best Fit You::

70% San Francisco

60% New York City

60% Washington, DC

50% Atlanta

50% Chicago

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

I hate lemons.

Ahh, life. Boy, do I wish I hadn't slept in on the day they gave out the instruction books!

As the Relay For Life draws near, with half the money we made last year, fewer teams and fewer participants, I can't help but feel like a failure. As I approach (or surpass) my heaviest weight ever, with no real motivation to eat healthier or exercise more, I can't help but feel like a failure.

I mean, really - it's making it difficult to play softball, to run the bases, to pitch. It's making it so that NONE of my clothes fit - event my fat clothes. 2 years ago, I got down to my lightest since elementary school - and I was happy. And i let it all go. I can't help but feel like a failure.

And I can't open up to anyone, I can't figure out what I want, I can't make a decision with regards to my job, and I'm not happy. But I am scared to take steps to find happiness, because I have no idea how to recognize what it is and no idea what I'd do with it if I had it.

I can definitely tell that right now I am just treading water. I'm mediocre at everything. I'm having flashbacks of high school and college, where I consoled myself by saying that if only I worked as hard as I knew I could, rather than being lazy, I would be AWESOME. I would get straight A's, I would be a ROCKSTAR.

And then you sorta have to wonder - if you spend 20 years talking about how if only you lived up to your potential, how amazing things would be -- where does that leave you -- painfully self aware of failure? Failure is failure, right? I mean, in the end it doesn't matter how awesome you COULD have been -- potential doesn't last past day dreams and regret. Potential is nothing but a broken promise - can't buy a burger with that!

far away, close

I want to find this place:
Neither far away nor close.
This place not on a map
Or highway or country road.
I don’t know how to get there,
But I’ll know it when we do

No signs will mark the entrance
But we’ll know just what to do
No signs will bid us welcome
Or list population, but we’ll know:
Me and you.

Me and you –
This place where we can finally
Breathe out, close our eyes and
Sleep. Uninterrupted calm
Surrounded by a cool lack of responsibility.


We won’t dream unless we want to
And we’ll dream of things ridiculous –Of purple unicorns and 800 lb pancakes
And the sky will be neon blue and the
Sea electric pink
And we’ll ride the foamy waves into the lime green sun.

Our mind is left to ponder the fantastic
Because our heart’s dreams will be
All around us – when we reach for them,
The will be there – solid and heavy.
I don’t know how to get there, but I’ll know it when we do.

Regrets

So I'm in denial that I'm 26, and all grown up. It seems strange to me to be thinking of job security, family, settling down, the merit of school systems, retirement plans, etc. I feel like there's so much left to do in my 20s and my 20s are passing me by. I feel like there was much I didn't do in my teens...and I had no idea I was going to feel that way.

I am grateful that I have a concept of regret these days -- I usually know when I'm going to be bummed I missed out on something now. I think before I did things with a lot less thought...I didn't "feel" like doing this...or "feel" like doing that...not recognizing the valuable experience. Now, I still don't "feel" like doing a lot of things, and some I force myself to do, and others I don't....the difference is I realize that later on I might wish I'd done it...and that weighs in my decision. This probably makes no sense.

I only have one major regret that turns my stomach and makes me feel awful. And I don't think I can fix it, because the absolute repair of the situation isn't up to me. I did a bad thing, and broke trust. I felt justified at the time; I was hurt, and didn't know how to react. I've forgiven and begun trusting again, but I think it might not be possible for the other person to forgive me, and that makes me sad. We have a great history -- fun, crazy, cool times, and I wish we could have some of that back.

The last time I wrote something....

Untitled…

As much as my heart wants to say different, I don’t know you. I never really did.
I knew this person that I met in a world of complete freedom
A world where I made my own plans, and all of the
Shit from that other life, that mainland life was
Swept away by the outgoing waves and taken, for a moment,
To the deep end, and kept there while we went exploring.
So there I was, making up my new world, painting the sky purple and the
Grass electric blue. I drew a new me, putting my face on someone else’s body
And vacuum sucking the old me into a ziploc baggy in the back of my brain just in case
This new fantasy world didn’t work out. Just in case.

And somehow, out of my tupperware cauldron, you appeared.
I must have dreamed you up one night while I slept, barefeet hanging
Off the end of the bed, drool on my pillow. I must have seen you then,
Wild hair and smiling that sweet crooked-tooth grin that betrayed the secret
Behind your eyes.
I must have mixed together your old soul from the books I’ve read and the movies
I’ve seen. I must have mixed you out of me, only better.
So of course, I couldn’t help but fall for you since you were
My perfect five course meal. I starved for you.I want to feel full, I want to stop eating every two hours only to
Feel that ache creeping up my legs and into the pit of my stomach where it
Settles, taking only brief bathroom breaks before reassuming its position at
My center.

I needed you there to wear the coat of loneliness I
Stitched for myself so I didn’t have to carry it any longer.
So I could look at it from a far, convince myself it was gone,
But not too gone, because it is home for me. And so you became my hearth,
My representation of all things right and all things that made me…me
My family of sorts, that (in my technicolor world) will always love me, no matter what I did, or said,
Or how far I ran from them, from you.
They had to love me.

But you didn’t. You’re not my blood
You’re not required by some cosmic contract to
Love and care for me without reservation,
You’re not even required to know me, speak to me,
To think about me in any way.
And you don’t, do you?
Now that you are away from me, and my
Fantasy is no longer -- do you even exist?
Do I exist for you?
Did I ever?


Donor

No man to call daddy
‘Ain’t no one’s little girl.
Never had that calloused hand
Tuck me in, or pick me up
And throw me to the ceiling
So high.

I used to think you were Billy Crystal
Away on business,
Busy being famous,
Too busy, but only because you had to be.
Busy ‘cuz you were mah-vulous!

Then you called.
I was so happy you called.
Remembered my birthday too.
But you called to say goodbye.
Goodbye to your old life…
Why?

Another woman, another ring,
Another baby – a girl, even.
So when you barely said two words
To us, your “former life” you somehow
Found it in yourself to say FOREVER
To something else.

And I heard. I had to.
Your life didn’t take you from us,
You went off running on your own.
Mom said you weren’t the “family type”
But our family wasn’t your “type” was it?

It’s been years since I cried for you, reached for you,
Dreamed of the day when you would suddenly realize
The mistakes you made and come running, tears in your own eyes
To reach for me, for her.

I have nothing left for you but a faint and nagging curiousity
To see what the miles have done to you,
To see my very own public service announcement in person
To see my coarse, curly hair and big brown eyes
…or what’s left of them
Behind your sunken face.

So now I thank you for those two happy
Accidents in your otherwise unlucky life
And pray for the family you have now
And the little girl who sits at home and waits for her
Daddy to call.

Time pretty much flies, even when you're not having fun, it seems. Lately I feel like I'm strapped into a loopy rollercoaster, and the rollercoaster has no breaks. Nobody at the controls.

Suddenly, nothing makes sense. There used to be things I was SURE of...I think. Where they are at this point, I don't know. Am I being dramatic? Sure. I just haven't felt...GOOD in a long time.

The future: HAZY

I worry about the future of our country. I see us heading toward a trend of continually declining social interaction...the already-superficial coffee shop meetings replaced emails and the occasional chat room discussion.

People now get together in large rooms with a plethora of computers with their headsets on. Nobody knows their neighbor; they probably haven't said one word to eachother, though they've spent hours and hours sitting so close that after awhile I'm sure they can smell them. They've taken meals together; they've